why can’t i just go back and see bob dylan, jackson browne, the doors, jefferson airplane, johnny cash, the grateful dead, the beatles (the fucking beatles…), and so many more. it’s not fair.
“I still miss someone”
GOOD GOD
jefferson airplane is super dope, i can’t believe i forgot.
so i realize this is now just me creating stuff for me to be unhappy about out of thin air, but i really realllllly need to lose weight. now i’m not an idiot, i know i’m not FAT or anything. but if i keep up with my current eating habits i will be. and i’m certainly not as skinny as i used to be, and as dumb as it is, that makes me unhappy. but if something that simple can make me happy, why not do it? i know what’s been going on. i’ve been eating with glenn a lot (obviuosly), and eating pretty similar portions. thing is… he’s a teenage boy with a really high metabolism. so he can eat a lot and still lose weight. so basically i just need to learn portion control. simple. i’m about to get off work and i haven’t eaten yet. i was hungry but not anymore. so that’s good. i think at about 5 i’ll have a sandwich, and maybe cereal or a granola bar later on. but that will be IT. not all girls (i wouldn’t even necessarily say most) need to be super skinny to be pretty. but i do. my boobs are too small and my hips are too big for me to be even a little bit more than i was.
on another note, things are cool-ish. my school situation still sucks and it’s causing unnecessary resentment. really petty shit. like, the fact that glenn got an A+ in every class… that should be literally impossible if you do anything besides work. like, i really don’t get it. i think he should push himself, because that should be impossible. if that’s happening, you’re taking the easy way out. i’m also annoyed at people who get shit handed to them. kt was in town and apparently she didn’t een have to apply for her job. ughhhhhhhhh. i don’t know, it’s just me being petty and envious of people i should be happy for. and i am happy for them. it’s just multiple personality disorder. just kidding. that’s not funny. anyway, i find out in a couple of days if i get to go to bonnaroo! fingers crossededed
watching smoke stand practically still is very nice.
so is doing shrooms on a saturday night with a boy who adores you.
:)
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
i hate feeling like this. i don’t even know what to say anymore. there’s nothing even wrong. i’m just so fucking disconnected from being normal and happy that it’s just fucking ljsjklfsskdlfj. i don’t know what to do. and i don’t have anyone to talk to. i feel like ripping my hair out and screaming. i just want to be comfortable somewhere, to have friends, to just be fucking happy. and it’s my own fault i’m not, and that i don’t. but i dont know what to do.
home for the weekend, got a haircut, sat on a puppy
as soon as i find out my plans next year (good or bad) i’m pretty down to do acid again. shrooms, too, but preferably acid.
I’m trying really hard not to freak out about this whole transfer thing, but it’s not going so well. My future is, if my appeal doesn’t go through, essentially dead. The rest of my life is going to be a lot worse than I thought. I’ll have to go to a city college (probably sac city), and live at home. I’ll watch all my friends have fun at their respective universities and take advantage of all the amazing programs they have to offer. I’ll be left in the dust, with nobody to talk to. My parents won’t be disappointed in me (it’s not my fault, how can they be), but they sure as hell won’t be proud of me. When their friends ask about me, they’ll have to tell them I transfered back home to the local city college. And that fucking sucks. And i want to be mad at someone. But there’s nobody who I can take this out on, which I guess is a good thing, but it makes it a lot harder to deal with. It’s not something I can change, or that anyone can change. It’s just the way life is. I just hate the fact that I went to a college prep school, and then a top university, but I’m going to graduate from Sac City. It basically invalidates all the work I’ve done for the past 6 years and it’s not fucking fair. And I know life isn’t fair, and a hell of a lot of people have it a lot worse than me. But I honestly don’t care right now, which is selfish, but again, I really don’t care.
i’m [probably] going to bonnaroo again!!!!!!!!! :D!
good shit.
and 2 more things i did. the painted one (trippy-ish landscape) didn’t turn out anywhere near as cool as i thought it would. but i’m pretty down with the silly cartoon animals :D
some masks i made!
feeling kinda melancholy today for no particular reason. probably just period girl stuff. i’ve been happy, at least considering my schooling situation (or lack thereof), recently, though, so that’s really nice. i’ll make it through tonight though, and tomorrow i should feel better. i miss my friends in boston though. i have friends here, but the only person i can actually talk to is glenn, and a boyfriend sometimes isn’t the right person, and even if he is, he’s just one, and sometimes he’s busy. i tried texting kevin today in hopes that he would want to skype or something but i guess he, like everyone else, is sort of moving on from our friends at home. which is fair.
i am glad to have a night to myself, though.
i fucking love jackson browne. i havent been sad the last few days but i’ve been listening to him, especially his sad music. that speaks to the power of it. i dont know how to put that into words but hopefully it translates.
I have PMS. But my only tears are tears of joy. This is new. This is good.
I’m eliminating parts of my life that make me hurt.
fuck my dad.
honestly.
he has the nerve to lecture me about my life and my decisions. he went to sac state. he took a break. he got a job he didn’t care about. he became an alcoholic. he got a DUI- a felony. he lost his job. and because of that felony he can’t get a new one. now he’s maybe dropping everything and moving to montana.
yet, after 1 and a half years of hating boston, when i decide i want to be happy for ONCE in my life, when i decide to actually take steps to be happy, he criticizes that?
well it’s a good thing i don’t give a shit. i don’t need his money, i don’t need his company, and i don’t need his love. not that it matters, i haven’t had that for years.
