Happy Accident

i’m scared.

i’m scared of my whole life ahead of me. i don’t know if i can be a functional person in society or in a relationship. i don’t think it’s fair of me to be in a relationship, to the other person. i’m neurotic and depressed most of the time, and i often put that on the other person. and i dont think that’s dependent on who i am with, i think that’s me. i dont think this feeling is ever going to go away. i’ve felt like this since the fucking fourth grade, maybe before. it’s in my blood, and i think i’m stuck with it. i do think about killing myself. it’d be easier. it’d be easier for me, and in the long run, it’d be easier for the people i’m close with. i’m not going to do it, but i sort of wish i would. i’m just sick of feeling like this. feeling constantly alone and dissatisfied with every aspect of my life, even when nothing is wrong. i know nothing is wrong, i can see that. then why do i feel so fucking awful the second i look inward? i dont know. maybe i should go on medication or something. my heart feels like a broken record. 

something to remember when i’m depressed: there are lots of people who need me. not need, but want me in their lives, want me to be around. it might be easier for me if i killed myself, but it would make a lot of people unhappy. it’s not worth it in the slightest. 

i don’t really know what i’m feeling, what i’ve been feeling, or how i’m going to feel next week. i don’t feel happy but i just have to hope it’s largely due to PMS. I hope that this time next week I’m very happy. and for a long time after that.

so i’m bored of studying microeconomics so i guess i’l write some stuff. i was right about thanksgiving break- it definitely reassured me that i have nothing to worry about with glenn. it was really nice. i kinda wish i had written about this earlier, because i’m sort of starting to creep back into the doubt. but i’m trying to hold on to the memories i have, and the hope that it’ll be that way again in a week, and for a long long time after that. i mean, i won’t be back in boston until september! if we’re still together then, hopefully i’ll be confident enough to KNOW that we can withstand the distance. but that’s a long way away. until then, i just have to hope that everything will be fun and fine. an adventure!

dude but finals really blow.

@ my previous post, god i’m so weird and pessimistic sometimes. i’m at the airport right now. it’s 6:30, i’ve been up for two hours. i’m really excited! and sniffly

kbye

you know, the world really isn’t a good place to live. this isn’t me feeling sorry for myself. this is me feeling sorry for everyone. what does anyone want to accomplish with anything? who is ever really happy? i can’t think of anyone who is happy on every level. i’m happy on some, but definitely not all. the occupy wall street people, what are they trying to accomplish? let’s think. once/if they accomplish what they want, will they be happy? no. the 1% isn’t happy. they’re just feeding their gaping holes with money and greed. it’s not real, and it doesn’t fucking matter. and the people occupying, or whatever, they’re still a hell of a lot better off. the fact that they CAN take off work, or take off school. first of all, there are people who don’t have jobs or go to school, because they can’t afford it, or there aren’t schools or fucking anything where they live. plus, there are people who cannot take off work to go protest. people who will STARVE if they miss a pay check. there are too many things wrong with the world to even start. let’s say i dedicate my life to helping starving people. i won’t make a difference. i can try, and i probably will, but i will make little to no dent on the problem, which will keep increasing long after i’m turned to dust.

honestly, everything is bullshit. the world just isn’t good for anyone. civilization as a whole is just a huge mess. people worrying about jobs, about getting ahead, about their education, all of it. it’s pointless. what good does it do. nobody is happy, that’s all i keep thinking. 

let’s see someone famous, like a musician. musicians are famous because they’re unhappy and they put that into words. and if they’re a “happy song”-writer or something, then theyre greedy because they have enough money to DO what they love, when so many other people don’t. the money they spend on 10 or 20 guitars, tour buses, etc., could be used for such better things it’s not even funny.

someone normal. even if you have a totally average life, everyone has little (relatively) things that make them unhappy. i’d say i’m normal, and if this tumblr is any indication, i’m not overall happy. in a sense, everyone has a dad who ruined their childhood, a guy or guys who ruined their adolescence, and a variety of other factors that fuck everything up. and that’s an average person. when you’re happy, you’re happy. but you’re ignoring the big things, then. you’re ignoring millions of reasons not to be unhappy. 

honestly, everything is just a huge pointless joke, and there’s not a thing anyone can do about it. even if one huge problem does get solved, there are thousands of others. i don’t know what anyone is supposed to do, how anyone is supposed to live their lives. 

a post of a less schizophrenic nature.

yesterday i took a walk and listened to jackson browne’s album Late for the Sky. it’s really strange. that album is really sad, which you know if you’ve heard it. but it doesn’t make me sad. it’s not music i listen to when I’m sad. I think that’s because I’ve known it and loved it for so long it can no longer apply to any certain situation. stuff with my dad, that album was there. the whole time. stuff with dumb middle school break-ups, it was there. stuff when i was happy, it was there. stuff with jonathan, there. and onward. it’s always been there. always constant. 

that’s something that kind of bothers me about the information age. music. i can’t really decide how i feel about it, actually. it’s great that we have access to so much music. it’s fantastic, actually. i don’t know where i’d be otherwise. but i don’t know. i feel like this generation is missing out on something by having to actually go out and purchase albums or cd’s or whatever. i feel like it means less. saving your money to buy a cd, and having only a certain number, i imagine people from earlier generations must have had such intense bonds with the music they listened to. hell, i can see that in my dad. he knows less music than me, but i feel like he loves his music more than any of my friends do. which is saying something, if you’ve ever seen some of my friends listen to music haha. but i don’t know. it’s different. i feel like all of our emotions are different now. less profound, perhaps. i don’t know. there’s just so much sensory overload now. and it takes so much more to occupy us. hell, on my computer i have 4 windows open. and my cellphone is out. and this is something i do when i’m bored! i don’t know what i’m really getting at. i don’t think i’m saying we’re better or worse off than previous generations. both, maybe. we’ve obviously made huge gains, but there have been losses. 

a letter to crazy rosa from sane rosa.

so i know you get freaked out about your relationships with people. people do suck. people do have a tendency to let you down. at least in the past. but try, try really really hard, to trust certain people. namely, glenn. trust he loves you and trust he cares about you. even if it does come down to your own faith, with little to no proof. yeah, it sucks, but that’s just the way it is. but his feelings are there. even if he doesn’t show them. just think back to little ways he has shown them. just trust him, even if it’s hard. over thanksgiving i’m sure everything will reveal itself to be okay. you’re okay. just take a deep breath and remember you love this guy and that he loves you too.

wee!

i had a really fun halloweekend. it snowed though… wtf. made looking like a slut very inconvenient haha. 

dude. dude. i love bob dylan way too much… like, i get a little emotional when i listen to certain songs, not because of the song, just because of the fact it exists. if that makes sense. i’m listening to my bob dylan playlist right now. and two things to point out: 1. in the original studio recording of “I Don’t Believe You,” when he laughs a little but towards the middle of the song, OMG makes my heart melt. and in “Changing of the Guards,” his voice cracks a little bit and it’s just like slkjsljfjdfjklsjlkfjk such a magical man. god i’m gay.

intriguing

i wonder if i could be considered a she-wolf… wow studying all day puts you in a weird mood :D

a few days ago i was watching Community and one of the characters was talking about how there are a bunch of different realities going on at the same time. It wasn’t that deep, he was talking about a dice roll, but still. I got to thinking. It would be so strange if my parents had let me transfer to west campus. i might have lost ambition to go to a really good and far away school. i might be at sac state. i almost definitely would not have met anyone from jesuit, so there’s no way i’d be dating glenn. or even have any of the people at home i consider my best friends. when i wanted to transfer it was before i was even dating jonathan. i might not have dated him, had i gone to the school, and wouldn’t have all this psychological shit that will probably never go away. or i would have dated him for a really long time and everything would be even more fucked up. or i might have found someone i dont even know exists. its strange to think about. 

my tummy is in an awful state today. last night i threw up A LOT. bleh, i feel sooo shitty, like i’m going to puke whenever i move at all. yuck.

on another note, the view from the window by my bed is hauntingly beautiful when it’s rainy and cloudy. the buildings close by don’t go super high, so the sky looks HUGE. that was one of my favorite things about driving: seeing a huge sky. driving back from texas with my dad when i was in 5th grade, after my grandpa had died, i noticed it. hot, sprawling, amazing. that was at a really bad time in my life because of my dad’s drinking, but somehow seeing that made me feel not alone, while also more alone than ever, but in an okay way. second, the south dakota trip last spring. driving for hours across those plains. i swear, it’s a beautiful sight, one i couldnt have imagined, really. a flat line for a landscape. just a flat line, as far as you can see. and then the sky. larger than anything you’ve ever seen. again, both comforting and alarming. finally, the drive to and from davis. california is so damn beautiful. the color of the sky, which i always notice when i drive to glenn’s house, is so gorgeous. and those little sunflowers, too. mm :)

so last night i went to a party that was themed 70s porn… haha. they had 3 laptops sync-ed up playing this weird porn about alice in wonderland! it was strange. damn dude, i’m way horny. like, real talk. even watching a well done kissing scene makes me like urghhhh. haha oh well. other than that things are fine. applying for jobs next semester is scary but exciting.

for some reason

i have a problem with super groups. i really don’t know why, and i don’t really get it. they just seem… forced, i guess. i mean obviously it makes sense. the best of the best, together. but there’s something different about a band. a real band. but what is that even!! i don’t know. even the traveling wilburys, some of my favorite dudes, i can’t really get into. and i do like their songs. very strange.

welll

i think the birth control i just started gave me hardcore mood swings… nothing with glenn has changed but i realize its not really a big deal. also the birth control made me hardcore break out. but now both my mood and skin are clear again, eyyyyyy!