February 2012
12 posts
as soon as i find out my plans next year (good or bad) i’m pretty down to do acid again. shrooms, too, but preferably acid.
I’m trying really hard not to freak out about this whole transfer thing, but it’s not going so well. My future is, if my appeal doesn’t go through, essentially dead. The rest of my life is going to be a lot worse than I thought. I’ll have to go to a city college (probably sac city), and live at home. I’ll watch all my friends have fun at their respective universities...
i’m [probably] going to bonnaroo again!!!!!!!!! :D!
good shit.
someone loves me.
feeling kinda melancholy today for no particular reason. probably just period girl stuff. i’ve been happy, at least considering my schooling situation (or lack thereof), recently, though, so that’s really nice. i’ll make it through tonight though, and tomorrow i should feel better. i miss my friends in boston though. i have friends here, but the only person i can actually talk to...
I have PMS. But my only tears are tears of joy. This is new. This is good.
I’m eliminating parts of my life that make me hurt.
ugh
fuck my dad.
honestly.
he has the nerve to lecture me about my life and my decisions. he went to sac state. he took a break. he got a job he didn’t care about. he became an alcoholic. he got a DUI- a felony. he lost his job. and because of that felony he can’t get a new one. now he’s maybe dropping everything and moving to montana.
yet, after 1 and a half years of hating...
January 2012
2 posts
wow, things change fast
so in the couple hours since i made that last post, i found out i can’t go back to boston, whether or not i want to. rent is too expensive. i also found out that transfer deadlines already passed, so getting in anywhere let alone getting financial aid is going to be far more difficult. i have no idea how this is going to turn out. i’ll be making phone calls/meetings over the next few...
so i’m in santa cruz on coop and i really like it here. like fuck. i’m trying really hard to live day by day and sometimes thats easier than others. but its really hard not to think about how much fall is going to fucking suck. sometimes if i’m left alone with my thoughts, i think i’d rather kill myself than go back to boston. why the fuck did i leave california? i must be...
December 2011
4 posts
i'm scared.
i’m scared of my whole life ahead of me. i don’t know if i can be a functional person in society or in a relationship. i don’t think it’s fair of me to be in a relationship, to the other person. i’m neurotic and depressed most of the time, and i often put that on the other person. and i dont think that’s dependent on who i am with, i think that’s me. i...
something to remember when i’m depressed: there are lots of people who need me. not need, but want me in their lives, want me to be around. it might be easier for me if i killed myself, but it would make a lot of people unhappy. it’s not worth it in the slightest.
i don’t really know what i’m feeling, what i’ve been feeling, or how i’m going to feel next...
so i’m bored of studying microeconomics so i guess i’l write some stuff. i was right about thanksgiving break- it definitely reassured me that i have nothing to worry about with glenn. it was really nice. i kinda wish i had written about this earlier, because i’m sort of starting to creep back into the doubt. but i’m trying to hold on to the memories i have, and the hope...
1 tag
November 2011
5 posts
“the closest I ever got to the sound I hear in my head … that thin, that...”
– Bob Dylan on Blonde on Blonde
@ my previous post, god i’m so weird and pessimistic sometimes. i’m at the airport right now. it’s 6:30, i’ve been up for two hours. i’m really excited! and sniffly
kbye
you know, the world really isn’t a good place to live. this isn’t me feeling sorry for myself. this is me feeling sorry for everyone. what does anyone want to accomplish with anything? who is ever really happy? i can’t think of anyone who is happy on every level. i’m happy on some, but definitely not all. the occupy wall street people, what are they trying to accomplish?...
a post of a less schizophrenic nature.
yesterday i took a walk and listened to jackson browne’s album Late for the Sky. it’s really strange. that album is really sad, which you know if you’ve heard it. but it doesn’t make me sad. it’s not music i listen to when I’m sad. I think that’s because I’ve known it and loved it for so long it can no longer apply to any certain situation. stuff...
a letter to crazy rosa from sane rosa.
so i know you get freaked out about your relationships with people. people do suck. people do have a tendency to let you down. at least in the past. but try, try really really hard, to trust certain people. namely, glenn. trust he loves you and trust he cares about you. even if it does come down to your own faith, with little to no proof. yeah, it sucks, but that’s just the way it is. but...
October 2011
10 posts
wee!
i had a really fun halloweekend. it snowed though… wtf. made looking like a slut very inconvenient haha.
dude. dude. i love bob dylan way too much… like, i get a little emotional when i listen to certain songs, not because of the song, just because of the fact it exists. if that makes sense. i’m listening to my bob dylan playlist right now. and two things to point out: 1. in...
intriguing
i wonder if i could be considered a she-wolf… wow studying all day puts you in a weird mood :D
a few days ago i was watching Community and one of the characters was talking about how there are a bunch of different realities going on at the same time. It wasn’t that deep, he was talking about a dice roll, but still. I got to thinking. It would be so strange if my parents had let me transfer to west campus. i might have lost ambition to go to a really good and far away school. i might...
so last night i went to a party that was themed 70s porn… haha. they had 3 laptops sync-ed up playing this weird porn about alice in wonderland! it was strange. damn dude, i’m way horny. like, real talk. even watching a well done kissing scene makes me like urghhhh. haha oh well. other than that things are fine. applying for jobs next semester is scary but exciting.
for some reason
i have a problem with super groups. i really don’t know why, and i don’t really get it. they just seem… forced, i guess. i mean obviously it makes sense. the best of the best, together. but there’s something different about a band. a real band. but what is that even!! i don’t know. even the traveling wilburys, some of my favorite dudes, i can’t really get into....
welll
i think the birth control i just started gave me hardcore mood swings… nothing with glenn has changed but i realize its not really a big deal. also the birth control made me hardcore break out. but now both my mood and skin are clear again, eyyyyyy!
just to be clear, i’m a lot less whiny and pathetic in real life. tumblr is where i go to bitch about stuff i think is too dumb to say to anyone. i have stuff going on in my life besides missing my boyfriend, i swear. hell, there’s more going on in the relationship. reading this, you’d think he was the biggest asshole. he’s really not. i’ve literally said everything...
like shit
i wish i was a playa. it’d be so easy and chill and great if i just didnt give a shit.
man
i need someone besides glenn to tell me this is normal. i keep trying to convince myself it is, but i dont know.
he wont tell me i’m attractive… uhh…
i dont think he wants me in CA next semester. he keeps bringing up boston, like, would it be better if you stayed in boston, would you get paid if you stayed in boston, blah blah blah.
i dont know man.
this is still hard....
god
glenn keeps reassuring me that everything’s fine. but really it sometimes like he just not give a shit about me. he doesn’t care if we talk on the phone, text, or anything. hell, i don’t even think he’s sexually interested in me. like, is this a fucking joke? he tells me he loves me but cant set aside 5 minutes to call me and ask how my day is going? fuck this. i dont know...
September 2011
8 posts
i swear, Mississippi by Bob Dylan is one of the most beautiful fucking songs I’ve ever heard. God damn. I wish I could hear it for the first time again and again.
i guess i'm in a writing mood today.
god i’m so fucking sick of myself. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. people keep talking about how happiness is a choice. hell, i’ve said that multiple times. but what the fuck, why can’t i be happy? i won’t kill myself, i know that. but it scares me how often i think about it. not consider it, just think about it. and i don’t know. things are going to...
very awkward if people read this one!
urg, i really miss sex. not even in a horny way (well, not at the moment, at least). it’s just… you feel so close. i see why the more romantic phrases make sense; making love, knowing someone biblically, etc. it really is a beautiful thing. i’m not usually one to judge, but i do sort of think it’s a shame people are so casual about it. even ignoring the risks and stuff, i...
i’m trying to lose weight, so instead of eating delicious food, i’m listening to delicious music. Bob Dylan, yummmmmmmmmmm!
people
people come and go. i’ve been looking out my window at the rain, listening to the final track off castaways and cutouts, by the decemberists, entitled California One / Youth and Beauty Brigade. I’m thinking about the different people I’ve had romantic feelings for, and wondering which were mistakes to start (or not start), and which were mistakes to end, or if any were either....
okay.
so i’m going to do this; write about stuff. i miss glenn a lot. it hurts, and it’s hard. our last day together was… i dont know. it was shitty because i was doing stuff for my lost wallet, and because it was our last day. but it was also nice. i dont know, it was hard. i cried a lot. we had sex one last time and i was really really sad after. when we were outside by his car...
i'm scared to write.
because i know once i do i’ll start being sad again. i guess i’ll just say the facts. i’m back at school. glenn and i are going to try to stay together. i think it’s going okay. i just really miss him. i may write more in detail later. but things overall are good here.
August 2011
4 posts
i don't know what's wrong.
today i was on my way to the drive-ins to meet up with lizzie kt and jack, and i was a few minutes early so i pulled into a nearby parking lot, just to chill. and i just started crying. what the hell? like, there are one or two big things on my mind, but jesus. keep it together. i just really want to focus on the present. everything is just atoms and molecules. one of the times i did shrooms i was...
so. i’m pretty bored so i’m going to pull a classic rosa and probably ramble for a while. i got back from outside lands late last night. it was a really good weekend. i dont know what it is. statistically, it’s a good festival, but not a great one. it’s not a camping festival, which means it’s a lot more difficult to sort out, and the bands are good, but not like holy...
July 2011
2 posts
updates, i guess.
summer has been incredible. things with my boyfriend are actually perfect. i love him. it’s as simple as that. i dont know what we’re doing at the end of summer, and i’m scared. we talked about it a couple days ago, and we decided that we’re not deciding anything just yet. which i guess is good, because before it was implied we’d break up. but jesus. he’s the...
June 2011
2 posts
you guys...
i think i’m addicted to arcade fire :/ i’m messed up, i’m real messed up.
bonnaroo
was fucking INCREDIBLE. on a musical level, mostly. the people i was with were cool, but it was really more about the music than the company. arcade fire. holy fuck. i almost cried. they may be the best band i’ve ever seen live, and it was a festival set, not a real set. words can’t describe. same goes for mumford and sons. i legitimately teared up during winter winds. i fucking love...
May 2011
3 posts
