i guess i’m in a writing mood today.
god i’m so fucking sick of myself. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. people keep talking about how happiness is a choice. hell, i’ve said that multiple times. but what the fuck, why can’t i be happy? i won’t kill myself, i know that. but it scares me how often i think about it. not consider it, just think about it. and i don’t know. things are going to get a lot worse than they are, obviously. i have a long life ahead of me, and i’m sure i’ll have to endure a lot. everyone will. will i be able to be strong through that? will i always be unhappy, even if just a little? if so, that’s fucking shitty.
nowhere feels like home. yeah i like it here, and i like it in sacramento, but i dont see myself as home in either of those places. i feel so lost. i always have. and it blows, but i dont know what to do. people make it seem like being happy is easy, something you can just DO. but it’s not. what are you supposed to do when you wake up and immediately feel like crap. i’m not saying i have some emotion that nobody else does, but i do feel like i can’t describe this. it’s something i’ve had for as long as i can remember. god i don’t know.
i’m so fucking self centered. what i really should do is just stop giving a shit about myself, and things that effect me. i should devote myself to a cause beyond myself, that will help other people. that’s the right thing to do. if i can’t make myself happy, after everything, i should just forget about it, and try with other people. i know that’s what i should do. but shit.
