i’m scared.
i’m scared of my whole life ahead of me. i don’t know if i can be a functional person in society or in a relationship. i don’t think it’s fair of me to be in a relationship, to the other person. i’m neurotic and depressed most of the time, and i often put that on the other person. and i dont think that’s dependent on who i am with, i think that’s me. i dont think this feeling is ever going to go away. i’ve felt like this since the fucking fourth grade, maybe before. it’s in my blood, and i think i’m stuck with it. i do think about killing myself. it’d be easier. it’d be easier for me, and in the long run, it’d be easier for the people i’m close with. i’m not going to do it, but i sort of wish i would. i’m just sick of feeling like this. feeling constantly alone and dissatisfied with every aspect of my life, even when nothing is wrong. i know nothing is wrong, i can see that. then why do i feel so fucking awful the second i look inward? i dont know. maybe i should go on medication or something. my heart feels like a broken record.
